Grace and Parenting
Several years ago, I was reading a book on parenting, and I came across a statement that made me stop dead in my tracks. I had to read it again. And again. I’m still having to read it today.
“When your children are young, being the parent carries enough control to handle them. But if you don’t grow up as they grow older, your immaturity will stunt their maturity at the level of your own. And no measure of control can handle that.”
How is my immaturity going to stunt their maturity? What did my maturity have to do with anything? A lot!
PARENTING ISN’T ABOUT US
Many of us who are parents, make parenting so much about us. We may not even realize it, but a lot of what we get so upset about when our kids make bad decisions or act up is how it makes us look.
We either worry about what other people will think about us if our kids are acting out in a certain way, or we feel shame because their behavior reveals that we don’t have what it takes to be good parents. Either way, it’s about us, not them. And that is the problem.
When we make parenting about us and what it says about who we are, we are showing our immaturity. If our kids get the sense that their behavior is from where we are drawing our identity, purpose, and meaning, then they will resent us. There will be a lack of trust, and if there’s no trust then we’re always playing a game to figure out how to get our own needs met.
BETTER PARENTING STARTS WITH KNOWING YOUR IDENTITY
Rather than trying to find our identity in our kids and their behavior and performance (or anything else for that matter), we must begin to understand our identity in Christ.
You are not defined by your past, your choices, your performance, or your children. You are defined by Christ.
Birth, not behavior, determines your identity. When you put your faith in Christ for salvation, you were born again. You started over. You became a child of God and were made a new creation in Christ.
You are no longer defined by your sin because you are completely forgiven (past, present, and future).
You are not defined by your inability to measure up because Jesus accomplished what you never could and gave His life to you. Now, By God’s grace, you are defined by who you are in Him.
FREEDOM TO FOCUS ON THEIR NEEDS
When we begin to understand our identity in Christ and walk by faith that we are who Christ says we are, then we become free to focus on our kids and what’s best for them.
We no longer feel the need to control them, manage their behavior, or create order to feel better about ourselves and what other people will think about us. Instead, we are free to allow Jesus to use us to love, serve, discipline, teach, and explain things to them for their sake.
They get to be recipients of Christ’s life and wisdom through us. How much better is that than me trying to use them to get my needs of contentment, security, and worth met through their behavior and performance?
As our kids see us begin to mature and rest in our identity in Christ, they will start to trust that we have their best interests in mind. Doors will be unlocked for Jesus to work through our relationship as parent-child, and they too will begin to learn who they are in Christ, freeing them from the pressures in this world.
GRACE AND PARENTING
It seems overly simple and exaggerated to say that grace changes everything, but grace changes everything. God’s grace, through Jesus’ finished work on the cross, restores us to a position of wholeness. As we mature in our understanding of all that we have in Christ, it will change the way we parent.
That certainly doesn’t mean that we’ll be perfect parents and have a problem-free family life. We’ll take our eyes off of Jesus and fail from time to time, and so will our kids. We might even face unfortunate suffering and experience loss in this fallen world.
However, God’s grace continues to be enough to hold us and provide for all we need. And He has a way of even working through the messes to mature us and point us to the life found in Him.
May you rest in His grace today as you look to Him to parent your children through you.
Whether we are reacting to our parents, planning to be parents, overwhelmed at being parents, or learning to stand with our kids as they now parent, we need to know there is a way home. A way to be convinced God is in the middle of every stage of our family. These words have been said more than once: “Tell me again, what made us think that we could be parents.” No one could tell us how tired and overmatched we would feel. Or how exasperated we’d get when our kids didn’t receive our best attempts at guiding, loving and teaching.
So, this book is filled with hope, joy, insight, wisdom and maybe a fresh way of seeing. We get to ride with a family as they struggle through the same mistakes we can make. Then we watch them imperfectly, but wonderfully learn to find each other. It always begins with us, the parents. And it always involves us earning our children’s trust. All, so we can leave a profound mark in this world by our transformative influence on our kids. Enjoy the ride.
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