Hurt by Church
There are a lot of things that I get upset about, but one of the things that stands out on that list is when people get hurt at church, especially by authoritative, narcissistic leaders. People expect to get hurt out in the world, but people come to church to find grace, mercy, love, and hope. Oftentimes, people are already hurting, and when they come in looking for help and just get more hurt, that’s even more painful.
I hate it, and I wish that it didn’t happen; but unfortunately, it happens a lot.
People have been told they were not welcome because of the way they dress. They didn’t meet the standard of what someone said was the right way to dress for church.
Some have been turned away because of their race. Others because of sin in their lives. I know of one young couple who got pregnant out of wedlock and were shamed in front of the entire congregation. That makes me angry. Really angry.
I know of others who have been shamed because they didn’t give enough, they were told they didn’t have enough faith, and others who began to ask questions about theology or leadership practices and were told they were not welcome to come back.
The ones that really make me cringe, however, are the hurts caused by physical and/or sexual abuse. It’s unfathomable that some people have been abused by those who were responsible for loving, shepherding, and supporting them with God’s grace and the good news of Jesus Christ.
If that’s you, and you’ve been hurt in this way or in any other way at church, I’m sorry. Really sorry.
Those hurts can stick with someone for a long time. They can keep some from ever going to church again. They can impact the way some relate to God.
So how do we deal with church hurt?
I want to talk about it from both the church's side and the victim’s side of being hurt by the church.
CHURCH SIDE
This is certainly not an exhaustive list of how churches can deal with church hurt, but here are a few things for churches to keep in mind.
1. IF LEADERSHIP INTENTIONALLY HURTS SOMEONE, TAKE ACTION
Unfortunately, when church leadership verbally, physically, or sexually abuses someone, the church wants to protect its reputation. They seek damage control and try to wipe it under the rug or keep it from getting too far out into the public sphere of things.
This cannot happen. There must be an acknowledgment of the hurt and action that took place. The church should take appropriate measures to remove the person in leadership, and they need to surround the person who was hurt with love, support, and grace. Finally, the church should create policies and procedures to ensure a safe environment for people.
2. RECOGNIZE THAT PEOPLE MAY SHOW UP WITH CHURCH HURT IN THEIR PAST
Train volunteers to greet people in a friendly, welcoming way. Don’t push too hard for people to take a next step. We all want to connect with people and share with them why we love our church, but someone with church hurt in their past will be very cautious about letting you into their lives. That’s okay. Train volunteers to ask but not be demanding.
It may even help to acknowledge church hurt from the stage. There have been times when I’ve said something like, “If you are here as a guest today and you’ve been hurt by church in your past, it was a courageous thing for you to come today. Thank you for trusting us. We want you to know that this is a safe place to be, and we hope you have a great experience being with us today.” I don’t say it nearly enough.
3. CREATE A “COME AS YOU ARE” CULTURE
Lead the entire congregation to welcome people in as they are. Help break down the legalistic tendencies among some to turn away people who don’t look like them, talk like them, or act like them.
Help create safe environments where it’s okay for people to make mistakes, doubt, ask questions, and even push back. Allow them to experience grace and give Jesus room to reveal Himself to them in His own timing.
VICTIM’S SIDE
If you have been hurt by the church in the past, here are a few things that I pray might help.
1. BRING YOUR HURT BY THE CHURCH TO THE LORD
Talk to God about how you’ve been hurt. Acknowledge the hurt, your feelings, and the questions or doubts you might have. God can handle it, and He wants you to bring them before Him.
David did. Many of the Psalms that David wrote show how authentic he was with the Lord. He did not shy away from telling the Lord how he felt. He did not shy away from asking Him tough questions and expressing his doubts.
If you’ve been hurt by the church, talk to Jesus about your hurt and seek His comfort, peace, and guidance.
2. TALK TO THE PERSON WHO HURT YOU OR TELL CHURCH LEADERSHIP THAT YOU’VE BEEN HURT
There are multiple layers of church hurt. If you can safely go to the person or leader who hurt you, then do that and seek understanding and reconciliation.
If you’ve been abused or cannot safely go to the leader, then find a trusted person or leadership group and tell them. Satan may try to convince you that no one will believe you or that you shouldn’t tell for some other reason, but these kinds of hurts need to be brought out into the light, not just for you, but also for the protection of others.
3. DON’T LET BITTERNESS TAKE ROOT
I don’t say this lightly, because I know that church hurt can cause deep pain and severe consequences in some people's lives, but letting bitterness take root will only make it worse.
Forgiving someone who hurt us is hard, but Jesus completely forgives us and will give us what we need to be able to forgive others. That doesn’t mean you have to forget. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t tell someone and seek justice. It does mean that you will release them to Jesus and not hold onto bitterness in your own heart.
4. DON’T LET YOUR HURT KEEP YOU FROM CHURCH
Again, I don’t say this lightly, because I can only imagine how difficult it might be to step foot back into church after experiencing hurt and pain, but God created you to be involved in biblical community. If you can pursue reconciliation, then do that and stay at your church. Allow Jesus room to build back your trust in the church. Let Him lead you back into experiencing life with others again.
If you can’t pursue reconciliation within the church you experienced hurt, seek out another church. Don’t let Satan convince you that you are okay being a Christian who doesn’t go to church. He wants you isolated from others. Jesus wants to give you grace to slowly pursue His plan for life in His Body.
BEAUTY FROM ASHES
God can make beauty from ashes. Satan is out to steal, kill, and destroy. He is involved in creating hurt and pain in our churches. He wants to take your church hurt and use it to continue to steal, kill, and destroy your life.
God wants to meet you in your pain. He wants to feel your pain with you. He wants to comfort you. His desire is to take your hurt by the church and slowly begin to make beauty from ashes. Let it be so.