Agape Love in a Relationship
Agape love is self-sacrificial love. It is a kind of love that expresses itself in actively seeking the benefit of another.
A great example of agape love is seen in the life of Robert McQuilkin. Dr. McQuilkin was the president of Colombia Bible College when his wife developed Alzheimer’s. And as it got worse and worse, it grew to the point where she was terrified to be without him.
Many of his friends and colleagues tried to talk him into putting her into an institution. He had an important job. He was respected. He was still 8 years short of retirement. He couldn’t take care of her.
But he did. He resigned from his job. He stayed home and cared for her and all her needs every day for 13 years until she passed.
This is how he described his decision to step down and care for his wife…
The decision was made, in a way, 42 years ago when I promised to care for Muriel “in sickness and in health…till death do us part.”… I love Muriel. She is a delight to me—her childlike dependence and confidence in me, her warm love, occasional flashes of that wit I used to relish so, her happy spirit and tough resilience in the face of her continual distressing frustration. I don’t have to care for her. I get to! It is a high honor to care for so wonderful a person.
This is agape love in a relationship. Sacrificing to serve, meeting needs, and expressing love to someone for their benefit. Counting it as an honor to serve them when they can do nothing for you in return.
But how does that kind of love happen in relationships?
PAUL’S PRAYER FOR LOVE (AGAPE) TO ABOUND
Paul gives us the answer in a prayer that he prayed over the church at Philippi. In Philippians 1:9-11, this is what Paul prayed…
9 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10 so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, 11 filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.
Paul is praying that agape love would abound more and more in their lives between each other.
He is praying that they would love each other by sacrificing for each other. That they would seek the benefit of others over and above themselves. And he is praying that it will be present overabundantly in their relationships.
But he also shows how that kind of love gets developed in relationships.
KNOWLEDGE & DEPTH OF INSIGHT
For this self-sacrificing love to abound more and more, what is needed is more knowledge and depth of insight.
9 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight
Paul knows that more knowledge of Christ will lead to more agape love being expressed in relationships. Why?
Because apage love is the love of Jesus that they are filled with and that He will express through them.
In the next chapter, Paul even gives them more knowledge of Jesus and His agape love. In Philippians 2:5-8, look what he says…
5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; 7 rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!
Agape love is the love of Jesus. It’s a self-sacrificing love. Jesus “made himself nothing,” “took the very nature of a servant,” and even “humbled himself by becoming obedient to death on a cross.” All of this was for our benefit.
So Paul is growing their knowledge of Jesus and His agape love. And where does Jesus live now? In them! His agape love is in them. They are filled with His agape love.
The more they and we become aware of what Jesus’ agape love looked like in practical ways throughout His earthly ministry, the more they and we will know how He will express His agape love through us towards others.
But Paul also prayed for depth of insight. But what exactly does that mean?
Well, I think G.W. Hansen actually captures it best in his commentary on Philippians when he says this…
Without insight, love does not know how to express itself with actions and words that are appropriate to each situation of life. Often love asks the question: I desire to love these people with such great needs, but what should I say and do to meet their needs? Only by insight does love have the direction to act wisely in ways that give healing, joy and life to those who are loved.
So, Paul knows that if their knowledge of Christ and his self-sacrificing love grows, and they combine that with insight (with a practical understanding of how to best meet people’s needs) THEN that is when their agape love for each other will abound more and more.
If agape love in a relationship is going to overflow, it will happen as Jesus grows awareness of Christ’s love in you and through you, and gives you insight as to how best to express that love.
Which is what Paul says happens next in verse 10.
9 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10 so that you may be able to discern what is best
f you begin to have insight then you will be able to discern the best way to express agape love in a relationship each moment a need arises.
LOVE THAT IS SINCERE & WITHOUT OFFENSE
As knowledge of Jesus and depth of insight grows, the love we express for others will then be sincere and without offense.
10 so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure (sincere) and blameless (without offense) for the day of Christ
The word “pure” here means “sincere.” To do things without mixed motives.
See, you could love someone but have mixed motives for why you are loving them.
It’s possible for me to love my spouse by washing the dishes, taking out the trash, doing the laundry, making the bed, cleaning the bathrooms, mopping the floors, and doing all the chores, but to have done it all with the hopes that she’ll allow me to buy something I want or to have some time away to play golf.
If that was the case, then obviously, I would not be loving her sincerely. It would have been for my benefit. That’s not agape love when it’s for our own benefit.
But Paul knows that if knowledge of Christ and depth of insight grows that we’ll be able to discern how to love them sacrificially, and that will be sincere love. Why? Because it came from Jesus. It’s His agape loved being produced through us.
The word translated “blameless,” in Paul’s prayer means “to not offend someone,” or “to be without offense.”
And really, if you love someone insincerely, or with mixed motives, that is going to be offensive to them.
It offends others when we love them or do something for our own benefit or to get something out of them. That’s an offensive kind of love.
So, Paul is saying that when our knowledge of Christ grows, and when we begin to have insight, we will be able to discern what is the best way to sacrificially love others and that love they receive will be sincere and without offense.
And it will be that way because it comes from Jesus and He’s the one that would have produced that through us anyway, which is what he says last in his prayer.
FILLED WITH THE FRUIT OF RIGHTEOUSNESS
Paul closes out his prayer in verse 11 by saying,
11 filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.
Jesus produces fruit in us and through us. He is the vine that produces the fruit, and we are the branches that bear the fruit.
Paul is picturing the Philippians standing before Jesus at the end and seeing all of the fruit that He produced in them and through them.
So, Paul has been praying this prayer in verses 9-10 for what will need to happen for this to be true on that day.
He is praying that God will grow their knowledge of Jesus and His agape love for them, in them, and that He wants to express through them.
He is praying that this will grow their self-sacrificial love for each other and that they’ll have the insight to see how to apply that love and meet those needs.
And then this pure and sincere love, without mixed motives will come pouring through them and visible fruits of agape love that Jesus produced will overflow into the lives of others.
CONCLUSION
If we are going to experience agape love in our relationships, it will only come because Jesus produces it in us and through us.
So pray that your knowledge of Christ in you and through you will grow.
Pray that you’ll have a depth of insight and be able to discern what is the best way to sacrificially love others.
Pray that sincere love and love without offense will overflow through you into the lives of the people around you.
And pray that Jesus will produce His fruit of agape love through you, to the praise of His glory.
