Forgive One Another
I heard a story recently about a pastor who gave a sermon on the importance of forgiving your enemies. About a third of the way through the sermon, he paused and asked his congregation, "How many of you are now willing to forgive your enemies?" Only about half raised their hands. So he kept preaching.
About two-thirds of the way through, he asked again. This time about 75% raised their hands. He kept going.
Finally, after finishing the entire sermon, he asked one more time. Everyone raised their hand…except one elderly woman in the back.
The pastor just couldn't let it go. He asked her, "Why is it that you are still unwilling to forgive your enemies?"
She said, "Oh, that's simple, Pastor. I don't have any enemies."
He was stunned. "How old are you?"
"I'm 96."
"That's incredible. Can you tell everyone here how it is that you have lived on this planet for 96 years and have absolutely no enemies in your life?"
She smiled and said, "Easy. I outlived them all!"
Forgive One Another
Well, most of us haven't quite gotten there yet.
And honestly, forgiving someone — even if they're not technically an "enemy" — can be incredibly difficult.
It just hurts when someone wrongs you.
Your best friend forgets your birthday. A coworker used you to get ahead. A parent criticized your career or the person you wanted to marry. Your spouse called you out for something in front of the kids. Whatever it is, it stings. We all know that gut-wrenching pain in the pit of your stomach when you've been mistreated.
And because of that, forgiving those people is hard.
We want them to hurt the way we hurt. We want them to feel the weight of what they did. And if we forgive them, it feels like they get off easy — like we're just sweeping the whole thing under the rug.
So, we don't forgive them.
But here's the thing. Instead of having the effect on them that we hoped for, it tends to have a very different effect on us — one we never saw coming.
Because when we withhold forgiveness, it's like carrying around a huge weight. And the longer we carry it, the heavier it gets. It affects all of our relationships. It affects our emotions. Studies have even shown that unforgiveness can cause stress, anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, and physical pain.
There's a well-known saying that captures it well: "Withholding forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it."
It often hurts us far worse than it hurts them.
So, is there a better way? Is there a way to manage our hurts before they become hates?
What Scripture Says About Forgiving One Another
In Ephesians 4:32, the apostle Paul writes:
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Eph. 4:32)
And he says almost the exact same thing in Colossians 3:13:
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Col. 3:13)
Notice the pattern in both passages. Paul doesn't just tell us to forgive — he tells us to forgive as the Lord forgave you. The foundation of our forgiving others is the forgiveness we've already received from God.
That changes everything.
The Cross Makes Forgiving One Another Possible
Think about what it cost Jesus to forgive us.
He was headed to the cross, where He took all of the sins of the world — past, present, and future — upon Himself. Being fully God and fully man, He had no sin of His own to pay for. He went willingly, out of love for us. And even while He was hanging on that cross, He cried out, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."
When His work was finished, He cried out, "It is finished!"
That's why the author of Hebrews could write:
He has appeared once for all at the culmination of the ages to do away with sin by the sacrifice of himself. (Hebrews 9:26)
And that's why Paul tells us to forgive one another as the Lord forgave you. Past tense. He didn't say "as the Lord will forgive you when you sin." He said as the Lord forgave you. You have been completely forgiven — for all sin, for all time.
That is the reason we can now forgive others.
Think about it this way:
If you aren't forgiven, you have to hold onto unforgiveness to justify yourself. You need to point to what others have done to you in order to feel like a good person by comparison. But if you've been completely forgiven and made righteous in Christ, you don't have to hold onto any of that anymore. You are already justified. You are already made right. That frees you up to forgive others who hurt you.
And if we are to forgive as Christ forgave us — completely — then that is the standard we're called to as well.
I don't say that to minimize what happened to you. What they did to you was wrong. They shouldn't have done it. And it has no doubt created real pain in your life. But Jesus will give you what you need to forgive them. He never asks you to do something without also being willing to empower you to do it.
An Impossible Story of Forgiving One Another
During the Rwanda Genocide in 1994, a young boy named Jean Claude watched as members of another tribe killed his father with a machete and brutally tortured his mother, leaving her with physical disabilities for the rest of her life.
Compassion International was working in the area, and Jean Claude was brought into their program where he heard the gospel and came to faith in Christ. He learned that Jesus — while being tortured on the cross — had asked God the Father to forgive His torturers. He learned what Paul meant when he said to forgive as the Lord forgave you.
And he said it wasn't easy, but eventually, Jesus gave him what he needed to forgive those who had destroyed his family. The Lord even led him to start a ministry for Rwandan children — many from the very families who had carried out the genocide. One of the children who showed up was from the same group that had killed his own father.
Jean Claude didn't turn him away.
Jesus gave Jean Claude what he needed to forgive — and even to love and serve — those who had committed horrific crimes against him and the people he loved.
And the Lord will give you what you need too. He is a faithful God. You are in spiritual union with Him. You have access to His love, His power, His strength, and His forgiveness. If you turn to Him, He will give you what you need to forgive.
The Goal of Forgiving One Another
There's one more thing worth saying here.
The goal of forgiving someone is reconciliation. The goal is to restore the relationship — to live in unity with the people around you.
Now, sometimes that's not possible. The person who wronged you may have passed away. It may not be safe to be around them. Or they may simply not be open to reconciling, and you can't do much about that.
But none of that means you can't forgive them and stop holding the offense against them. In those cases, pray for them sincerely. Give it time. Let them know, when appropriate, that your heart is to reconcile and that you'll be there if and when they're ready.
I once had an older gentleman in his 80s approach me after a sermon on forgiveness. He had tears in his eyes and told me he hadn't spoken to his son in over 20 years. I asked what happened.
I'll never forget what he said: "I don't know."
It had been so long ago he didn't even remember — or maybe he never fully understood what had set it all off to begin with. Something small had become the biggest thing in the world. And the longer it sat, the bigger it grew. And now over two decades were gone.
That can happen so easily.
I told him not to go in with an agenda. Just be humble. Go and say, "I'm not here to fight. I just want to say I'm sorry. I want to listen. I want to understand what happened and figure out how we can work through this."
And he did it. It wasn't like they were instantly best friends, but they started taking steps. He got to meet his grandchildren. He got to be in their lives before he passed away.
You can't control what everyone else does. But you can trust Jesus to forgive others through you so that you don't have to keep carrying that weight — the weight that gets heavier and heavier and causes so much damage along the way.
And you can trust Him to give you what you need to make yourself available for reconciliation when the time is right.
Application of Forgiving One Another
So let me close with a simple question:
Is there someone you need to forgive today?
If someone came to mind while reading this, don't brush past it. Spend some time praying about it. Thank Jesus for the forgiveness you've already received. And ask Him to give you what you need to forgive that person too.
He will. He is faithful.
