Stop Trying to Fix Your Spouse
I met my wife on a blind date, and it was love at first site (at least for me)! Fireworks were going off somewhere in the background, a Lionel Richie song was playing in the background, and the conversation was endearing. Well, that may not all be true, but that is the way I remember it!
It really was a great first date, and we were engaged two and a half months later and married six months after that! When you know, you know. We’ve been married for over 20 years now, and we have a great marriage; however, it has not come without its challenges. No marriage does.
A lot of us think that since we love being together so much at first that we are going to have an amazing marriage when we get to be together all the time. We only see the best in each other and envision being happily ever after.
But then we get married and at some point, things begin to feel quite different than they did before. We sense that we are not being treated like we were at one time, and suddenly, we start saying things like…
“Notice me! Appreciate me! Thank me! Don’t take me for granted! He doesn’t even see me anymore! I can’t remember the last time she was affectionate toward me!”
And this may lead to fighting, arguing, blaming, manipulating, withdrawing, and all kinds of other nasty behaviors. We try to fix our spouse to get our needs met. We feel like we need them to act a certain way towards us in order to get the love, security, and affirmation we crave; therefore, it becomes our mission to change them so that we’ll get those things from them.
But is this really the way marriage is supposed to work?
YOUR SPOUSE DOES NOT COMPLETE YOU
The movie, Jerry Maguire, has led a lot of us to believe that our spouse was meant to complete us. We think that God has made this person in order to completely fill in all of our gaps.
“She is going to make up for my weaknesses.”
“We are going to be perfect partners in parenting.”
“He is always going to know how to pick me up when I’m sad, mad, or frustrated.”
“When I am lacking, my spouse will make up for my lack and complete me.”
The only problem is that God didn’t make your spouse in order to complete you. God is the only one who can do that.
As a matter of fact, the apostle Paul, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit tells us that Jesus does complete us if we’ve put our faith and trust in Him for salvation.
10 So you also are complete through your union with Christ.
(Colossians 2:10)
Only Jesus can complete you. It is an unrealistic expectation to place on your spouse to complete you. Stop looking for your spouse to complete you, and trust that in Christ you already are complete and have all that you need in Him!
STOP TRYING TO FIX YOUR SPOUSE
If it’s Jesus’ job to complete us, it’s also His job to fix our behaviors.
Look at what the apostle Paul says in Philippians 2:13.
13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.
It is God’s job to work in and through your spouse to line up behaviors that are in line with His purposes. It’s His job to do the same thing in your life as well.
Through our spiritual union with Jesus, we are made holy and righteous in Him. He then begins to work outwardly to conform our behavior and actions to line up with who we now are in Him.
Therefore, you don’t need to worry about trying to fix your spouse. And remember, you don’t need them to be “fixed” in order to get your needs met. You have all of your needs met in Jesus. You are complete in Him.
MARRIED LIFE IS GOOD, BUT LIFE IN CHRIST IS BETTER
Having the mentality that you need to fix your spouse to complete you comes from the myth that life is found in marriage. Don’t get me wrong, married life is good, and it was created by God to be good. However, the abundant life we are all looking for was never meant to be found in marriage to another person but in Jesus Himself!
Jesus tells us that He came to give you abundant life (John 10:10) and that He is the abundant life Himself (John 11:25, 14:6). Life is not found in marriage or anything else, it is found in a Person.
Jesus is Life, and if you have Him, then you have Life.
12 Whoever has the Son has life; whoever does not have the Son of God does not have life.
(1 John 5:12)
When you come to understand that the life you desire most is ultimately found in Christ and that you have it in Him, you will quit placing unrealistic expectations on your spouse. Instead of looking to take from your spouse what you feel like you are missing in your own life, you will realize that you have what you need in Christ and simply look to serve your spouse as Christ leads you to do so.
SERVE YOUR SPOUSE
The best marriages are found when 2 people are trusting Christ as their Life and trying to out-serve one another. Not trying to out-serve one another to win but out of an overflow of the Life of Christ through them.
What if your spouse isn’t trusting Christ as their Life and not trying to out-serve along with you? You can’t control that. Remember, it’s not your job. You are responsible for you.
When you understand that you have abundant Life in Christ, that all your needs are met in Him, that you are complete in Him, and that you don’t have to fix your spouse, then you are free to just serve them instead. You don’t have to use them to get something you are missing because you have all that you need in Christ.
Jesus spent His earthly life serving people. He lives in you. He will now work through you to continue serving people, especially your spouse.
Quit looking for ways to manipulate your spouse to serve you, and instead look to Jesus to lead and empower you to serve him or her instead.
Want to go deeper? Here’s a great book on marriage by Anne Trippe: Marriage! The Journey.
Here’s what Dr. Steve McVey (Grace Walk Ministries) says about this book:
Anne offers no behavior modification advice couched in religious language. Her prescription is simple, practical, and biblical. With winsome clarity, she points us back to the indwelling life of Christ and shows us how to experience Him as the very life of our marriage. This book is a “must read” for those wanting to know the kind of marriage God intends for us all.
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